Grinding through the gears

It's been over 6 months since I quit my job entirely. I feel like a tinny little manual transmission car being driven by a 14 year old - shifting gears hard and fast with lots of jerking and grinding metal. It's funny - I don't remember having too many issues with the transition from high school to living at college (maybe it was the booze) or the transition from college to providing for myself in the wide world. To me those seem like pretty major life transitions. But man, the transition to being a parent and the transition to being a stay at home parent have thrown me for a loop.

At first, staying home was one big party; we did all sorts of awesome activities from Disneyland to the zoo, and we were set up at the beach at least twice a week. But as the weather has gotten hotter, Disneyland and the zoo are a little tough and I just don't have it in me to do a huge activity every day. I charged at it hard and fast and now I'm a little pooped. (Who, me? Overdo something? Never!) I also realized that even with all the activities, I was feeling a little lonely even in a sea of people.

I tried putting Anna in a local preschool, but I realize that I chose poorly as it turned out to be a bummer. Having a sitter come to the house a few days a week has been really helpful. I toured a much better preschool today and may try the whole thing again come January when our sitter goes back to work. (She works 1/2 the year for LAUSD.) Sometimes I feel a little guilty doing awesome things like going to lunch with friends or browsing for clothes but I keep trying to remind myself that I don't have to do it all. We're back to having a housekeeper every week too - more working on the I don't have to do it all thing.

But still, even with the cleaning load gone and a sitter helping break up the week, I was still not doing really great. I was going through the day with this nervousness - always thinking forward to the next thing and never really being present and enjoying where I was. I wasn't even enjoying myself on the weekends when we had family time - I think that time was almost worse because I knew I was supposed to be having fun. I didn't know what to do. I felt like perhaps I would never enjoy my life. I couldn't believe I was fretting so much on a daily basis when I really didn't have anywhere to be or any specific things to accomplish. Why couldn't I just be grateful for all I've been given and smile and enjoy the ride?

Two changes have really helped me a lot. First, we have been focusing a lot on riding our bikes. We can't ride too much during the week when Uri is working, but on the weekend we try to go as much as we can. This weekend we rode about 52 miles (over 3 days) and it does so much for my mood. I talked to one of my oldest friends this weekend, and she said that she's been making an effort to do 20 minutes of moderate exercise each day to improve her mood. I figure if she can do it, I can too and so I started today with a little 20 minute cardio dance thing on the TV. I am going to try and just do a little bit every day and then much more on the weekends on the bike. It takes the edge off.

The second thing that has helped me is planning more with other people. When I was hitting Disneyland and the aquarium all the time, I didn't have too much time to meet up with friends. But lately I've made a big effort to schedule a few things a week. Last week I tried the MOMS Club, which was great, as well as meeting up with Manda - who I should have been doing stuff with a long time ago. She lives so close and we had a great time talking and letting the kids play. Today I had lunch with a past colleague and I just try to keep it up - to keep connecting. When I was working, I never had to go out and search for adult interaction. But now I do. Being a SAHM is so incredibly isolating. I love Anna but geeze, she isn't my FRIEND. And I need friends. We all do.

So it is taking a while for me to rebuild my life and reinvent myself as a person who doesn't have a paying job. I never thought I would find myself here. My career has always been so much a part of who I am - and now I don't have that. It's also been strange spending money when I don't bring any in. Life lessons all around. I've learned more about myself and life in general in the past 3 years with Anna than in all my past years combined. Being a parent is a humbling experience.

Seven Quick Takes

1. I read how Elsha has a new toy storage/use system and I wanted to try it:

I talked about it with Anna and she went with me to buy the bins. I think she's on board for now but we'll see how it goes. I need to get a couple more bins to complete the system but I want to see if it works first. I do like how the toys aren't just piled in the toy box or strewn all over the floor.


2. Anna has been enjoying floor puzzles. The ones with the big pieces. Highly recommend. 


3. Went to MOMS Club today and had a delightful time. There were only two other moms present (the group usually has 5 to 6) but they were both really cool. I am going to stick with this group.


4. Anna has been doing really well with swimming lately. We haven't done lessons but we take her in the water a lot. At this point she's over using any flotation devices. I feel that she's very close to being able to swim on her own completely so that's exciting.


5. Our babysitter has been working out REALLY WELL. Oh my lord it's nice to have time to myself on a consistent schedule. I am going to check out preschools without any rush and maybe put Anna in sometime next year. I'm just not too worked up about it.


6. Nap time is BACK! For a while, Anna was skipping naps and I was so bummed about it. Now I'm getting her to take one almost every day. Unfortunately I have to drive her around in the car first but after a little bit she falls asleep then I drive home and put her in the crib. I wish I had a kid that was easier to put to sleep and don't give me any crap about sleep training or any of that. I tried everything. If the car works, I will use the car.


7. The television experiment has been going well. I basically let Anna use her iPad whenever she wants and also I let her watch shows whenever she wants. Now that I don't make a big deal of it, she seems to do more coloring or playing games on her iPad anyway. She LOVES coloring with this app and I recommend it. I don't see how it's different from coloring in a book. Speaking of apps, if you have any that your kids love and you love, can you link to it in the comments? I'm always looking for new ones. In fact, maybe I'll do a whole app post because we have some really great ones.

OK, that was 7! Talk soon.

Cougartown, Population: Me

Hey! Hope everyone had a great weekend. I am really feeling my age/mom status this week because on Saturday night I went out with a group of girls and lots of them were single. These ladies partied it up big-time until the club closed as they didn't have a small person to hang out with come 6 am on Sunday morning. It was my friend Wendy's birthday and she posted this really flattering picture of me on Facebook:

Thanks Wendy

I mean seriously, can you look at that picture and think anything but COUGAR? At least I'm married and not targeting younger men but I can't tell you how many times I heard "oh, you don't LOOK 34" at the bar. Is that when you know you are getting to be a woman of a certain age? When people say you don't look your age? Because looking your age would be bad? In my defense, I would like to post this much more flattering picture that Uri took of me earlier that evening:

I am really proud of my outfit and I wanted to document it. I mixed animal prints and I think it was both bold and fierce. Actually, in that top picture I think I was trying to look mixed animal print fierce and it just went horribly wrong.

Since I am on a roll here talking about my appearance, I will also mention that I felt my hair was getting a bit washed out and I didn't want to do the whole salon thing just yet. So today I went to a beauty supply and bought some home hair dye.

Before and after:

I also cut some of those really long ends that were sticking out in the front. I think it looks quite nice if I do say so myself. So much can go wrong with home hair color.  I really wish I had never gone insanely platinum blonde:

so wrong for so many reasons

It didn't even look that great and now the parts of my hair that were that color will always look like ass. I am glad the home hair dye was successful because it's going to be a long time before all that bleached out hair grows out. Friends reading along at home - be careful with the bleaching!

What else is new? Ah, our downstairs toilet clogged up. I don't think we've had a toilet clog in this place yet. I always get a kick out of it when a toilet gets clogged because Uri says "oh, we have to call a plumber." What? I say, "hon', we just have to get a plunger". And then he says "what's a plunger? Don't they have to snake it or something?" So I walked to our little guard gate, borrowed their plunger and voila! the toilet is good as new. I found our own brand new plunger at the 99 cent store today as well so next time this happens I will be prepared. Honestly though, my husband really doesn't know how to unclog a toilet. Or he does and his acting dumb thing is getting him out of it. But anyway, I don't mind that much.

I go to my first MOMS club playgroup tomorrow. You know I'll let y'all know how it goes. Try to hang in there until my next update.

Quit Yer Whining

So I have been thinking about my last whiny post, wherein I complained about not having a community in my neighborhood. The thing is - maybe I am just being lazy. Maybe there is a great community right here in a place where I enjoy living; perhaps I just have to go out and find it. Part of the problem is we are in this strange little gated triangle of mostly retired people. However, right outside our gate there is a cute little neighborhood where people have playhouses in the yard and stuff like that:

I don't see kids running around outside every afternoon but maybe I'm not looking at the right time. I checked on our public elementary school and it has a pretty good API (900) and GreatSchools rating (9/10). Wouldn't that draw families in? I don't know much about school ratings but that seems pretty good to me. If we're still here when Anna is Kindergarten age, I'm sure as shootin' sending her there.

We went to a little carnival on Saturday very close to our house and there were all sorts of cool looking people there with kids. Then, just as I am pondering all these issues, A'Dell posts about making new friends at 33. It is a great post which highlights a lot of my thoughts and the comments just overflow with good suggestions.

Of course, I don't want to be insulting or seem ungrateful for the awesome friends that I do have - from school friends to babygroup friends to all of you bloggy buds. But I am really lacking in current neighborhood friends and SAHM friends so this is what I'm shooting for. The sense of local community - people right around the corner who have your back if you have an emergency appointment or something like that. Also, people to talk to while I am sitting on a park bench watching Anna eat sand.

Per the suggestions on A'Dell's post, I used Meetup and plain Google to search for local mom groups. I found one on Yahoo Groups and am awaiting approval from the moderator.  I also found this thing called MOMS Club and I am in touch with them to go to a couple playgroups. I like the MOMS Club mission statement: The MOMS (Moms Offering Moms Support) Club is an international, non-profit support group specifically for mothers who have chosen to stay at home with their children. MOMS Club offers a variety of enriching activities that support the idea that staying home to raise our children is a fulfilling full-time job. Activities include weekly playgroups, park days, field trips, family get-togethers, arts and crafts, and moms’ nights out. It is our strong belief that our children are our most important investment. Each and every mother helps us create a network where both moms and children benefit. Sounds good, right? I feel very empowered just reading it.

So I know that going to an existing playgroup isn't going to be the easiest thing and talking to new people without alcohol isn't always my cuppa. But I am going to persist. I felt inspired by Erica's comment on A'Dell's post and how she is a moderator of her Meetup now. So that's it. Instead of whining about being isolated, I am going to go out there and make it happen. We'll see how it goes.

The great rental scare and other updates

I have spent much of the past couple of days being freaked out to the point of loose bowels about our living situation. You see, we've been at our place for a year now and we just assumed that our lease would go gently into that great night and that we'd go month to month afterward. This is what has happened everywhere else we've lived. But then we started getting calls and emails from our landlady's realtor to extend the lease. This was a week before they wanted a new lease which we assumed would be for 12 months again.

Now in the past year we've gone back and forth about moving to Portland, which we decided against. We still have San Jose in the back of our minds but it was not something we were going to act on right at this moment. However, being faced with signing on for another full year here was starting to shake things up. I knew that moving up north could be in our future but I didn't want to do it NOW; I wasn't ready to pack it in and head out just this minute.

I know I want to leave this place sooner than later. I love the unit itself, spacious and light filled, but our neighbors are all mostly retired and there is no sense of community.  I think about Elizabeth's Friday night wine parties all the time (okay, I obsess over them), and I just know that I want a real neighborhood to live in, like the one I grew up in. This past weekend, I went to a party at Kari's and was so super jealous of her new neighborhood. She has a gorgeous backyard and when I asked if she spent every minute in it, she said well, she spent even more time playing in the front yard because so many families let their kids run around out front together in the afternoons. SHUT UP! This is what I want! For us, moving to Sacramento or Ladera Ranch won't really work at the moment. But there has to be more places like this, right?

It's so funny how my priorities have changed - like 180 changed. I used to prize a place that was in walking distance to great restaurants and would sacrifice things like space and a yard for cool factor of the neighborhood. But now I'd just love an ample house with a yard surrounded by similar-ish families with kids for Anna to run around with. It's the American Dream and now it's my dream by God!

Luckily, we sorted it out with our landlady and have a new lease that stipulates we are now month to month for the next year. The only thing that's a little different is that we have to give 60 day notice if we are going to move out - and likewise she has to give us 60 day notice if she's going to sell the place or anything like that. So I am heaving a great sigh of relief and can sleep at night once again. In the mean time, I will be trying to find that great nirvana of a family oriented neighborhood. Suggestions welcome.

If you made it through that you deserve some silly pictures of Anna playing with some adhesive owl decorations:

I didn't really see them as face decorations but she will decorate her body with anything. I had to crop the pictures a bit because she is frequently running around without pants these days. But she did stick the owls all over her legs too.

Lastly, I have one more thing. After complaining about my no-frills car, I decided that I am going to stop being a martyr about it. I want a luxurious car damn it! I decided that I still want a car with cargo space but I wanted luxurious bells and whistles like leather, navigation, blue tooth, power seats and an engine with some damn zip instead of dogging it onto the freeway like my little put-put does. So I am one day away from uniting with my snazzy new Subaru Outback! Holy cow I love this thing. Uri even test drove it and said it was fun and that he was looking forward to driving it more. No one looks forward to driving my current car. Even better is that the Outback has a ton more ground clearance than my current mobile and I am pretty sure I no longer have to maneuver on the ghetto wooden ramps that I've been using to get the front of my car over the little step in the garage.

lame

I didn't get a flaming deal on it like I have on some of my other cars but I just don't have the energy to negotiate with car dealers for a week like I used to. Nor do I have the time which is ironic because I don't have a job. I did use TrueCar again and still recommend it. I noticed that Costco has a similar car buying service. You won't get the absolute best price in the world but you'll get a good price and you don't have to feel bad about being ripped off.

So anyway that's what's been going on here!

Fun with bikes!

This has been a 60 mile week for me and Uri. It started out on Monday - it was the first day we had a sitter so I said "hey - let's ride down to Manhattan Beach for lunch." I didn't really think it through or realize it was 10 miles away. Maybe not a big deal for serious bikers but I'd never gone nearly that far before.

We successfully got down there and back but I was a little too worried about time to have a nice lunch. Once we realized we could do it, we did it again on Friday when the sitter came. Then today, Uri's friend Andrew had a new bike and wanted to go on a ride. We strapped Anna into her seat and set off. Andrew said, "we're going to Manhattan right?" Oy! Well, why not? Friday and today were a little tougher because there was some wind coming off the water but all in all it was a great time.

Sometimes we think of moving but days like this - I love the beach and I LOVE LA!

Life with kids: Shifted

Last night we went out to dinner with a couple who doesn't have kids. They had just been to Costa Rica on a wonderful vacation and were asking about our "vacations" to Europe. It's difficult for me to explain how nothing feels like the old sense of a vacation to me anymore, just going through the day in a different location.

Having a child changes the entire pace of life. Vacations used to be about discovery, relaxation and finding the next good meal. I guess vacations are still about discovery for me (discovering the next carousel) - but relaxation is thrown out the window and a good meal is often compromised for a nearby meal and one at a restaurant with a fitting ambiance for a kid. We're lucky that we've taken Anna out to eat so many times she can sit through basically any restaurant meal - but that luxurious feeling of being at a restaurant for an evening is totally gone. Even at our dinner last night, I had to leave before everyone finished - I could tell Anna was timed out and when we went for a walk outside.

It's like we're still going through the motions of our old life, but that life is gone and every so often I have to mourn it. I had no idea how free I was. Now my purse always has a couple of diapers and a ziploc baggy of snacks in it - the stroller is tossed in the trunk and I can't leave the house without mentally thinking of things we need to face the elements - sunscreen, sweatshirt, sand toys. I am a lot better at traveling light than I used to be but still you can't just saunter out on a lark.  I felt it the minute I knew I was pregnant - it's no longer just about me. There is someone else here - someone I need to protect with every fiber of my being.

Swistle just wrote an awesome post about, among other things, how perhaps our brains are constantly trying to rationalize parenthood. I wholeheartedly agree that lots of the time, the whole idea of parenthood is nonsensical when you think of all that you give up. Yes, you get a lot too. You get loopy love and to share in the life of a perfectly wonderful, amazing small person who will grow up to be an equally amazing adult. It is a journey filled with laughter and the sweetest tenderness but also the most hard work that never ends. Here we all are, thrown into this crazy mish mash of perpetuating the species and we might as well recognize that and enjoy the ride as best we can.

I keep coming back to this adage you hear all the time from seasoned parents: the days drag but the years fly by.  I mean, it's 9:00 on a Saturday and we've been up and doing things for almost 3 hours. Uri and Anna are already out swimming in the pool because I needed a little break. We have birthday party to go to today but it's not until 3:30 - holy cow that's a lot of hours to fill.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I love my girl. I love her so much it's ridiculous. But I miss my freedom. My mom says that it gets better. Kids get to the point where they can do more on their own and I know that day will come for me too. Right now it's just a little hard to see.

4th of July

We spent a pretty low-key 4th of July at my mom's house.









There was swimming, sandwich eating and visiting with family. We were hoping that Anna would make it to firework time this year but she played in the sun all day with no nap and that was that. Maybe next year.

Anna's first movie in the theater: Brave

On Monday we took Anna to her first movie in the theater with mixed results. She is able to watch full length features at home so we figured it would be a fun thing for her. Brave is out and we love Pixar and it all seemed like a fit. We got to the theater and loaded up on popcorn and candy then went in:

The first bummer is that there were tons of commercials and then tons of previews. The whole preview/commercial thing lasted for 30 minutes and Anna asked if we could go home when all that was over. Even with her own bag of popcorn and a ridiculously large bag of skittles. However, we were determined to see a movie!

The next thing that was not awesome was the sound. Holy cow I think movies have gotten louder. I mean really, they must have. The last movie Uri and I saw in the theater was Slum Dog Millionaire and I don't remember it being so loud. Maybe it was. But gosh, the sound was almost painful. There were many times during previews and the movie that Anna would put her hands over her ears.

Spoiler alert for Brave.......

Then there was the movie. I guess I should have done a little research on Brave before we went and maybe I would have found out that there was a VERY SCARY DEMON BEAR that appears in the very beginning and then throughout the movie. Or that Merida's MOTHER turns into a BEAR that is SOMETIMES VERY SCARY and TRIES TO ATTACK HER DAUGHTER. Poor Anna. I held her on my lap and I could feel her tense up for the bear attacks. On the whole, she did really well. She's watched other scary movies and is actually really into getting a thrill off of ghosts and mysteries right now. But man, those bears were scary.

I didn't know that the plot of the movie revolves around a mother-daughter relationship, which was really neat. I was blinking back tears towards the end and it was especially poignant to be holding Anna for those special moments. Anna clued in to all the mother-daughter stuff too so it was special. After the movie she asked if I was going to turn into a bear.

It is fun that she's seen the big picture out right now - I got her a Brave sticker book at the grocery store and she knew the characters so that was neat. I guess if I had it to do over I'd have probably picked Ice Age III. I haven't researched that either but I'm thinking the scary demon bear attack probability is lower. But hey, we did it. Add another milestone to the list.

Birthday Season is Here

For us, all the kid birthday parties tend to clump around the same couple of months. This past weekend we went to two - a 3 year old birthday party and a 2 year old birthday party. They were both very fun although different. The first was an all out blowout for kids and adults. A blow up water slide, a bounce house, snow cone machine, hot dog bar, you name it. My friends really outdid themselves and put so much work into it. I'll tell you, parties like that are why I haven't thrown Anna a party yet, I just can't imagine living through it.

The second party was at a kid gym place and I'll tell you, that's the way to do it for ease for parents. The two party coordinator people set everything up, entertained the kids, even cut the cake. All you do is bring the food and decorations and they do everything else. That's my kind of party!

Anna heartily enjoyed both parties although it was a lot of stimulation for her. By the time the second party was half way through, she was ready to go home. But she did hang in there for cake:

 

Give me the cake now.

They served pizza before the cake and Anna politely refused pizza ("no thanks") and sat there and waited for cake. She kept asking me when they were going to sing the Happy Birthday song because she knew cake would come after that.

Today she's been vegging alot, watching shows on her iPad. I read all of your comments (thank you) on my television post and I was intrigued by Ariane's comment and the link she posted (about video games but similar idea). I did notice that Anna tends to watch more shows when we have a lot going on (multi-country Europe trip, lots of parties, etc.). We have a pretty busy life so perhaps watching Dragon Tales and Busytown Mysteries is a way for her to get some down time. I'm doing a little experiment and seeing what happens if I let her decide how much time she spends on the iPad or watching shows on the computer. If it gets out of hand I'm going to go with another plan but right now I'm just going to see if she watches it a lot and then gets sick of it. I remember when she first started using the iPad she was obsessed with all the games. She could play it for a really long time - even for a very small person - and we thought she would never stop. Then eventually she got bored with it and it went for months without even being turned on. So I'm just going to see what comes of it over the next few weeks. We did just get back from a big trip and everyone needs a little down time.

Everyone have a safe and happy 4th!