For those of you who've been reading along for a while, my consistent back and forth and back and forth about having another kid is yesterday's news. But it's something I never stop agonizing about. Just as I was hitting the pillow for the night on Mother's Day, a little voice in my head said "do not have another kid". Now, I realize that the little voice in my head was obviously me talking to myself, so I don't know how it's different from all the other waffling I do on the subject. But this was different - it was so clear - this voice that was speaking to me. Some part of me speaking so clearly about my own desires.
Sigh. I have been thinking about it again. About how hard that first year was for me. Most people say that nothing is as hard as the first year with the first kid. And now that I'm not working, maybe it will be even easier still. I am really struggling with it though. Anna is finally old enough to not need constant supervision and things are getting really fun with her. We have a very close relationship and I don't know what adding a sibling to the mix will do.
I used to think people that spaced their kids close were seriously nuts and now I'm so jealous of each and every one of them. To have it all done! To be slogging through it but then be able to say a final goodbye to chopping food into bits, diapers, bottles, all of it. I don't know if I can say hello to all that stuff again.
Traveling is finally fun again! We only need one extra plane ticket and one hotel room with one bed. Everything is simple. I can't imagine toting bottles on a trip again - washing and washing and washing. And the breastfeeding and pumping - ugh. And that's the other thing - there are so many things I know I couldn't do the same for the second child. I know I won't even try pumping and I wouldn't hesitate to abandon breastfeeding much earlier. I made Anna a quilt (heck I made her two) and I don't think I could muster up the time and energy to make the second child a quit. Isn't that sad?
When my period came last week - I was happy, I felt relieved. My sister, who spent lots of time with me when Anna was an infant, happens to agree with my thoughts that one kid might be golden for our family. However my mom and Uri are very in the have another kid camp. But the thing is - my mom and Uri pretty much just get the benefit another kid brings without all the drawbacks that I will experience as the lady on the front lines.
I am afraid to disrupt this peace that I finally have in my soul - this balance that I've brought to my life. Uri is in Israel so I haven't brought it up with him. It's a bad thing to discuss on the phone and honestly I feel it's a bad thing to discuss period. However, since I'm not on birth control it's obviously a thing we really need to address and so I have to bring it up. He comes home Friday so I guess we can hash it out some time this weekend. BLAH. And the worst thing is, the discussion will never be over until we finally just have another kid or get too old to try. DOUBLE BLAH.