Quite an Update

On Friday night, we went out to dinner at R&D Kitchen, one of our favorite family-friendly restaurants. It's great because they have booths and changing tables in the bathroom - one for the women AND one for the men. Amen. Once we had enjoyed some of our wine and our dinner was placed before us, I made my announcement to Uri. The big news is that I have changed my mind and I'm willing to try for another child. I think after writing this post, something in me began to change. I'm not sure if it was listing all the reasons I wanted to have one child or just saying it in such a convincing way. A little door opened up in my heart and I just started to think - well, maybe, just maybe.

Uri and I had always planned to have two children but the first year was just so difficult for me. And pregnancy was no piece of cake either. But the meds have really made a difference in my life - I don't feel like I'm just fighting to get through the day any more. Some of my blog friends have been posting about their own thoughts on the matter and this got me thinking too. I think I can do it. I want to do it. I know it won't be easy but it's right.

I feel so much better now; I know the decision is the right one. We're not trying yet  - we're waiting for Anna to be a little older first. I'd prefer the kiddos to be 3 years apart if I can swing it. We're going to "pull the goalie" around Anna's 2nd birthday. Also this gives me a full summer to just enjoy and not be pregnant or breast feeding. Also - the breast feeding may not last as long the second time around. If I'm struggling, I'm going to consider quitting and going back on meds. Breast feeding is great but my own stability as a mother is more important. I know I would never make it pumping 10 months again - not when I know how freeing it was to stop. I'll do the best I can but I'm not going to push myself so hard. I want to have more balance and enjoy the whole thing more. I think this will be better for everyone in the family.

So of course, who knows how long it will take and what the journey has in store for us - but I've opened the door.

What's the Big Difference?

I've been taking the Fluoxetine (Serafem, Prozac, etc.) long enough that I feel I can give a little update on it. However, I kept feeling reluctant to do so. It's strange how it's a hard thing to talk about. I am usually very up front about everything but there is such a stigma to taking "brain meds". I don't know why a chemical imbalance in the brain is so different from say, allergies. I have no problem taking an allergy pill every day if I need one - but I had reservations about the SSRI. Why is that? Especially when it's helped my life so much?

On Monday, The Bloggess posted a video by Michael Kimber and discussion about Coming Out. It's about telling your friends and family that you have any kind of mental illness and how medication is okay. After I read it and watched the video I felt so on fire about it! Yeah! I will "come out" too - even more! Woo! It's no big deal to be diagnosed with PMDD! It's okay to be on meds! But then... but then... the reservations started flooding in. People DO judge you differently if you are taking meds for OCD or depression than if you are taking meds for high blood pressure or for any other non brain-related illness. It's like having something wrong mentally makes you a wimp, or just unable to handle every day life. At first I would say I agreed with that line of thinking. Why do I need a pill to balance me out when my life is comparatively so great? Like the video discusses, it's embarrassing to need help with your burdens when others have so much more to carry.

But that's the thing, it's not that I can't deal with my burdens - I just have some different stuff going on with my brain, my hormones, all that. Why is that so wrong? I think it's hard for people because there are no physical signs that something is wrong and something is being treated. If you have allergies - there is a measurable change after you are treated for it - your nose stops running, your eyes stop being red and irritated. It's easy to judge for both doctor and patient. But mental imbalances are tricky. It can take a long time to be diagnosed with depression, or being bi-polar, etc. Often the person with the illness doesn't want to come to terms, or feels that they aren't "tough" enough. But mental illness is obviously very real. It's just invisible.

I can say that I feel much better now that I have this small dose of Fluoxetine every day. It just smoothed out the rage I would feel before my period. It also helps me to not see myself as hugely fat right before my period. (I know, weird, I am NOT fat but I would often feel that way for a few days and get bummed about all my clothes and stuff like that.) But it's hard - how can I be SURE that there was really something wrong with me or if it was that I just wasn't thinking positive and doing my best to be a good citizen of the planet? Right? I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder if I suffered a bit from Postpartum depression; I know that being a new mom is hard for anyone but there were times when I was really teetering on the brink. I wonder what would have happened if I had talked to my doctor THEN instead of waiting for another year. You can't go back, but I think my life would have been a bit easier.

So I leave it to you - what's the big difference? How is taking Prozac any different from taking Zyrtec? Is it? I hope that this post challenges you to evaluate your assumptions about mental imbalances. And if you're questioning whether you might need help - it's worth it. Go, ask. Don't suffer needlessly.

Local Peops: Library Alehouse Tonight

Visit the Library Alehouse tonight and mention The Growing Place and 10% of your bill will be donated to Anna's school. I think we'll probably stop by too. Beer for a good cause!

Culture, Context, Life

Last night I finished reading this book:



Snow Flower and the Secret Fan 

and so many thoughts are bouncing around in my mind. I had trouble getting to sleep last night and today my mind is just so preoccupied.

I think the book was relatively popular a few years back and Wikipedia says they are making a movie of it. I love historical fiction in general but this book just hit so many chords with me.

The main thing that is really hitting me about this book is the practice of foot binding. I remember learning about it in history class but wow, it just blows me away that an entire culture of people practiced this for hundreds of years. It goes so much further than corsets or neck rings or anything like that. This practice actually disabled women and killed 1 in 10 of them from gangrene and similar infections. I'm sure most of you know what foot binding is and it actually breaks the bones of the feet so that women's feet are small "golden lilies". There are so many implications to this - it changes your whole life. I think about how I hardly even wear high heels any more because of the discomfort and how that is NOTHING compared to having your foot folded back onto itself. Holy. Freaking. Cow. I really just can't get over it. I found a really interesting website where women whose feet were bound discussed it. Of course, this practice is over now and I'm not sure if there are many women with bound feet who are still alive.

In the book, girls' feet were bound by their mothers. Girls were relatively worthless in nineteenth century china, their whole goal in life was to attract a good husband and bear sons. I found that the way the main character's mother treats her has some similarities with the Amy Chua essay. Of course, this story was set almost 200 years ago but I can see the cultural basis for drilling children to succeed and by giving tough love, "mother love", so that they will rise to a better life. Smart boys were able to better their entire families by studying hard and getting into the emperor's court... you can just see how families' fates were tied to the success of their children through the filial culture. So while I still don't agree with Amy Chua, I can see where some of her ideas come from.

So foot binding gets me thinking about cultural ideas of beauty. To me, there is nothing pretty about a crippled foot - but for hundreds of years this was considered sexy and desirable in China. It is interesting that I was reading this book at the same time I decided to shave my legs for the first time in a month. I get horrible razor burn every time I shave and I've been going crazy with itching my legs. I think how silly it is that I go through the expense and waste of time of shaving my legs just to have them itch and burn. Not that razor burn comes remotely close to being crippled for life but you know, it's just a parallel to how cultural ideals of beauty don't always make sense. And let's not even talk about how I used to get Brazilian bikini waxes! (Again, not even close to the agony of foot binding but still a pretty weird thing to do when you think about it.)

Lastly, the book gets me thinking about relationships between women. The book is based on the story of two women who are pledged to be "old sames", basically BFFs for life. You see their relationship grow through the phases of life. One thing that was really interesting to me was how it was difficult for them to maintain the closer aspects of their relationship through their "rice and salt days" - which is the child bearing years. I feel the same way - that the craziness of raising children takes a lot of focus and I miss the closeness I had with my girlfriends during our college years. I still work hard at my friend relationships but I think ahead to the time when we're older and will be able to spend more time together again and reflect on our lives. I hope this happens.

So I really enjoyed going on a journey with this book. Isn't it great when a book makes you think? I have to thank Cupcake Mama for the book; every once in a while she gives me a stack of books that she and her husband are finished with and I am just so grateful. I love reading but strangely I don't buy books and I haven't worked the library back into my rotation yet. So I really appreciate reading anything that gets handed to me. But this book was an extra special treat.

Beach Girl

We had such a nice holiday weekend. The weather was beautiful so on Saturday we took Anna to the beach in the morning. We just wore clothes - not bathing suits - because I doubted we would go in the water. I was wrong! Anna absolutely loved the water. She wanted to go further and further out - she has no fear of the waves. I always loved swimming in the ocean as a kid so it's fun to see her get excited about it too. We had to take turns being in the water with her because once she had a taste, she refused to play in the sand. Every time I'd try to take her up to the towels and umbrella for a break, she'd just run right back down to the water.

When waves would come, she'd say "here comes a big one!", she was so excited. Sometimes she would be wet all the way up to her chest and just loving it. Next time I will definitely bring a suit. We didn't bring the camera but luckily my sister was there and took a picture with her cell phone.

Definitely the most fun I've had at the beach in a very long time.

Nighttime Routine

As most of you probably know, we haven't had the easiest time with Anna's sleep. Some babies start sleeping through the night as young as 3 or 4 months but it's been a long journey for us. I also have had to work at our nighttime routine of putting Anna to bed. We've gone through different cycles; cry it out, rocking to sleep, milk, no milk, etc.

Now that she's getting older and understanding more, I've been working on it again. We have bath time, then say "good night to daddy, Rusell & Jocey", then read a few books, then turn on the music. We listen to the same CD each night at bed time - when it's over there is no more music. I've been working on putting her down in bed right after the books and then rubbing her back for a bit, then leaving and saying good night. It's getting better and better but sometimes she's still upset when I leave the room. I've noticed that Anna needs a little time to wind down before going to sleep. It used to be that she wanted to be held and rocked but now that she's physically larger and growing up, I think she likes to wind down in her bed. She has a cast of characters in bed with her (hippo, bunny, pig, Bella and now baby), and she talks to them for a bit before she falls asleep. It's really cute to listen to what she has to say over the monitor.

The other positive side of this is that she's getting more used to entertaining herself in her bed before I come to get her. She wakes up at different times in the morning - sometimes as early as 5:30. But now she doesn't cry, usually just talks to her animals and baby, then sometimes she falls back to sleep for a bit. I am trying to not go in and get her before 6:45 am. So, it's a work in progress but it's coming along.

I'm not sure why, but we've been having a bit of trouble around midnight lately where Anna cries quite a bit and I have to go in and comfort her and sometimes offer her a little water; it's strange that this started up again. We probably had about a month where she was actually sleeping through the whole night (finally), so I'm a little bummed to wake up in the night again but I'm hoping it's just a little phase. Once a night isn't that bad, especially when I don't have to get her up until 6:45. Also I try not to pick her up out of the crib and just get her settled back to sleep as soon as possible.

Besides that everything is pretty great. Uri was in Chicago for a few days but will be home late tonight. I'm looking forward to this weekend - a three day weekend which will be nice. I'm also back to my old habit of looking at new places to rent. Every once in a while I just get motivated to see what I can find. I found a really cute home near Anna's school that is a bit out of our price range but I contacted them to see if they were flexible. We probably won't end up moving but it's fun to look now and then.

Different Approaches

One thing I never expected about the world of being a parent is the judgment that flies at you from everywhere. It seems that everyone knows the "right" way to parent and it's interesting to see how different all of those right ways are.

This week there has been a lot of buzz about Amy Chua's WSJ article on Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. I read it and it made me sad for her children. She describes an incident with one of her daughters who can't get a piano a piece and how she forces her to sit there until she's learned it. I feel sad that this moment of abusive parenting has been broadcast for all the world to see - probably to help sales of Amy's book. Of course I don't think practicing the piano until you get something is abusive. I played the piano as a kid and I enjoyed repeating a piece until I learned it. But that's the thing - I was the one who chose to play long hours or not at all. Of course, the proof is in the pudding; I'm far from a virtuoso pianist. I would be hard pressed to play anything at all today besides plunking out "Twinkle Twinkle" on the iPad for Anna. But I loved playing piano and it was an enjoyable activity for me.


I definitely recommend having a look at the article, as well as the discussion about it on Motherlode, which puts it into a bit of perspective. I just feel like here we are again - pushing our kids to be only the best - "A" students who go to Ivy League schools. At what cost? But that's the thing - everyone in life has their own goals and rates success and happiness differently. Who am I to judge this woman who is clearly financially successful and raising children that can go on to choose from top-notch colleges? I know I didn't want to go to a private all-girls school but my parents didn't give me a choice. And yes, I am thankful now. This just takes it a bit further.

In the end, I have to agree with Lisa Belkin at the NYT. Given that the latest research shows it's more WHO you are as a parent than WHAT you do ... I'd rather give Anna the benefit of the doubt. I'd rather raise her with respect and listen to her and try to help her find her joys and passions in life. I've been enjoying this journey as a parent so much lately, just being with her and learning about who she is, I'm not going to let it all be run-over with thoughts of her educational and monetary success in life. All I can do is let my heart guide me and believe in my choices. It's all that any of us can do.

Car Wash

Anna and I had a very exciting outing after work and school yesterday; we went to the car wash. This is the first time I have taken her there. I have to admit we're not very good at keeping our cars clean. But now that I have a new set of wheels, I thought I would start the year out right with a clean car. Also, this car wash includes a gas station so it's a 2 for 1 errand. My kind of errand.

This particular car wash is pretty cool because one side of the building is a big glass window where you can see the cars going by as they go through the brushes and sprays. They even had little step stools so that short people could get in on the action without having to be held up.

I had talked up the experience quite a bit, even telling Anna when I dropped her off that we'd be going to the car wash after school. It was not disappointing. Anna went NUTS watching the cars go through the car wash. It was so cute. She was saying "whoa oh!" and "car!" and "bye bye car!" and "more car!". It was definitely the most fun I've ever had at a car wash. It was a great moment in parenting and life. To me, this is one of the greatest things about being a parent; being able to experience the joy of life through her eyes. That's what was so great about Christmas too - seeing her wonder at the Christmas tree, enjoying all her gifts so much, enjoying seeing all of our family - it makes it so special for me too.

She was quite upset when it was time to leave the car wash but I promised that we could return again soon. Looks like I might have a better track record with this car.

Oh and one more thing that was awesome - they actually vacuumed out the car seat! I knew they would hit all the cheerios on the floor but to actually get them out of all the crevasses in the car seat? Life doesn't get much better than this folks. And to top it all off? It's Friday. Hell yeah.

A Few Pictures from Vacation

We're still working on getting the glasses all the way over the ears.


Ladies who breakfast.


Oh you know, just, casually picking oranges...




... with a dog...




Visit with Uncle Robby's big bunny...

Update from the GP

Hi Erica and Uri. I hope you enjoyed your time with your family during the holiday break. It has been so nice to be back and reconnecting with the children. I want to share these images with you of Anna exploring recycled boxes in the sensory table. These cardboard like boxes have a small hole on the bottom that when sand is poured in, the sand comes out. Anna held her box up high and noticed sand was pouring out. When she noticed this, she began inspecting the box to see how it happened. She found the hole on the bottom and poured sand into the box again. She tried this a few more times and then went onto dumping the sand by turning the box upside down. I wondered if she was testing the different ways sand could be poured? It was interesting to watch Anna test out her theories by trying more than one strategy on how this new material could be used. Enjoy the images and have a wonderful day.

Free-Range Kids

Some time ago, I started following Lenore Skenazy's blog. I like it because it challenges parents to give kids more independence - to live more like we did when we were kids. It's tough because we have so much negative media telling us that kids are always being abducted and terrible things like that but crime is actually down from when we were kids. I really enjoyed being able to do things on my own like walk to our local grocery store and buy a candy bar or ride bikes to get frozen yogurt. My mom encouraged us to learn to cook, using the microwave first (yeah! microwave quesadillas for-EVA!!) and then the oven.

I recently purchased Lenore's book:

Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)

and have started reading it again now that the holidays are over. I am really enjoying it. It's great for a person like me who has helicopter parent tendencies. I KNOW I just need to get over it and let Anna live her life and be the person she's going to be. Just last night Uri and I were talking about how lucky we were to have Anna at the Growing Place (her school) and he said that he bets I could get her into Harvard. I was like AH! No! That's exactly NOT the point! Of course, he didn't totally mean it but that's the whole thing - our society is so into name brand everything - name brand colleges come next. Then all kids are doing in life is being a walking college application. I know I had some stress in high school worrying about the college apps. I do feel I was balanced though - I did take AP courses but at least I didn't take an SAT prep course. But maybe I SHOULD have because then I could have gone to Harvard and not USC and my whole life would be better, right? Ha, no.

I definitely want to see some of the documentaries that came out recently about this kind of stuff, how we are over stressing our kids. I know how easy it is to fall victim to the trap and I'm thankful I'm reading this book early so that I can try to allow Anna to have a happy life where she is free to be whoever she wants to be. I just have to keep reminding myself. It's like all of life - it's a journey not a destination.

Happy New Year

I remember when I first started working that I would hear older coworkers saying how the year just flew by so quickly - and how the years just keep going by faster and faster. I feel like this is happening to me now - I barely have time to get acquainted with a year before it's gone. The same with Anna. I can remember our birth classes so clearly, when she was still just a little thing inside me, and now she's walking and talking and full of her own ideas. It's amazing.

I was hoping that the holidays would afford me some time for reflective blogging - thinking about the past year and what is in store in the new year - but well, the holidays just whizzed by like everything else. We did have a great time though - I have surprisingly fond memories of our little holiday trip to Santa Barbara even though it rained with biblical force the whole time we were there. In fact, much of our holiday vacation was characterized by constant rain, which is unfortunate when you have an active toddler.

We were able to enjoy lots of good times with family and friends, especially with Uri's brother and his wife who stayed with us for a few nights. That was so great of them. Not only did Uri and I really enjoy having them around, Anna was just so excited about it. She's still asking after them in the morning, half expecting them to be there when she gets up. I can't wait until we can all spend some time together again.

Congratulations to Michelle who expanded her family! I felt my holidays were a whirlwind, but it doesn't compare to the rush of bringing a new life into the world.

Thanks in part to Prozac, I feel that this was one of the more relaxing holidays that I've had so far. Even though we traveled and entertained. I am not sure if it's all just because of the pills but I'm taking things much more day by day and appreciating the moment more. PMS? Not this month thank you very much. So we'll see how it goes longer term but for now, I'm calling it a positive development.

I am glad to be back to every day life and keeping up with all my blog friends again. I missed both sides of the blogversation.