The other day while driving to work, I was pondering, as I often do, about only children. I was thinking about how great Chelsea Clinton turned out (I guess, I don't know her personally) and wondering about other famous onlies. That same day I was waiting in the lab to get Squishy's blood drawn for her 1 year checkup and I saw a Time Magazine with this article on the cover. An article about onlies! I found the article online when I got home (who reads actual magazines anymore?) and loved it. It includes a slide show of famous onlies from Elvis to Condoleezza Rice. The article really resonated with much of my reasoning for having only one child.
Financially, it's much easier if we just stop with one. Squishy's school is already really expensive, and if we want to choose the best schools for her going forward, we're going to have to continue paying. I know that public schools are an option and could be a great option for us, but we're going to look into everything. I have this sinking feeling we're going to want a private school. And of course there are college costs as well as all the other extras that you pay for with a child. An extra plane ticket on a trip, extra meals, extra clothes, everything it takes to support an additional human being.
Emotionally, I often feel like I've bit off just as much as I can chew. Balancing a full-time job along with being a mother is challenging for anyone. Add DH's frequent business trips to the mix and I'm doing the best I can just surviving on a day-to-day basis. I can't imagine doing everything I'm doing and then adding another little person to the mix. I devote a lot of time and energy to Squishy when I'm not at work and I wouldn't want to feel like I was stretched to provide as much love to both kids. I know that love isn't finite; you can give and give and more grows in its place but still, my time is finite. I also like that DH and I still have couple time together. We can work as a team to parent Squishy when we're both home. I feel that if we add a baby to the mix, I'm going to have baby duty and DH is going to take care of Squishy. We'll have to divide and conquer for a lot of the chores. And that's just how we'll be - divided.
And then there's that little detail about my age. I'm 33 and barreling towards "advanced maternal age" at a break-neck speed. DH is no spring chicken either folks. Do we want to accept the extra challenges and risks of having a child in the caution zone? Plenty of people have absolutely healthy kids into their 40's but who knows what we'd have to face as far as fertility and all that.
I also look forward to all Squishy's milestones and knowing that as a family, we'll be moving on to the next phase. Some day she will walk and that will be the end of crawling. Some day she will be potty trained and that will be the end of diapers. Some day she'll graduate to a big girl bed and that will be the end of the crib.
But I guess that's just it, isn't it? The end. The end sounds so final. This is why I'm still saving her baby clothes and my breast pump and various other items. I am not totally sure that this is the end. I do feel that our family is complete and that Squishy is all I ever need as a parent, but I'm leaving the door open a crack. I feel like I'm 80% in favor of having only one child but there still is that 20% to contend with.
I hate leaving things open ended. I hate that I don't have a 100% decision on this right now today so that I could just move the heck on already. But life evolves and changes and so do we. So for now, Squishy is our one and only. But...
What are your thoughts on this? One and done? Two? Shooting for a big family?
I knew for sure that I didn't want an only child. But I am where you are when I start thinking about more than two, though now I'm closer to 99 percent sure we're done. It's just so hard to say, for sure, THE END. Especially if, like me, you loved being pregnant. It's sad to me to think I'll never go through that again. It's less sad to think I won't play Russian roulette with colic again.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog Erica was like reading my own thoughts. I literally ponder daily having another little one. I truly believe that I am completely fulfilled having only one, BUT, (and we all love that word), I worry about Maddie never experiencing what it is like having a sibling. I am so close with my sister and I can't imagine not having her in my life. That is something I wouldn't want Maddie to miss out on. Plus, I am with you, once they move from crawling to walking, from diapers to being potty trained, and on and on...that is the END! The stage that Madyson is currently in is by far the best that I have experienced. I wish it could always stay that way. So then I think, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad having another...except for the money, time, commitment, the list goes on and on. Whew, you can see I am in your same boat 80/20. Leave it in God's hands! ♥
ReplyDeleteAgreed - I love my sister to pieces... she's my best argument FOR another.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are on this - I was at the exact same place when Ali was that age. One child was so much more EVERYTHING than I thought it was going to be - I couldn't imagine having more.
ReplyDeleteBut, eventually, for different reasons, we decided that we didn't want to have an only. And, after 3 years, we gained back so much of the time, freedom, and "tie-downs" that we first felt that made us comfortable with having one more. Granted, now we've got to give it all back up again, but at least now we know the process, and we know that it only gets easier.
But anyway, this is totally something we went through too, and very nearly made the decision to just have one also. I also TOTALLY understand the feeling of wanting to know for sure. That's one of the reasons we went ahead and tried for a second - I wanted closure on one stage and was ready to move on to "okay, now we're done having more and are just focusing on the ones we've got."
Good luck!!!
I know Nate and I are not done, we both want one more...maybe two. When I got pregnant again I had this feeling of dread, like I was cheating on Abby. It went away when I talked to my Mother-in-law (who had 6) and she said that was totaly normal.
ReplyDeleteIt is your family and weather it is just the 2 of you or 3 or 4...it is your family, and you all have that special bond. I know that I wished to have more siblings, so I always knew I wanted more than 2 kids. Abby loves Emi so much and I am so glad that they have that sisterly bond.
As far as money goes, I figure that almost every young family struggles. It builds a bit of character, and makes you closer. I in no way would put my self in debt to have more kids, but I am realistic in the fact that we don't have thousands in savings, but we make it work :) That is what I love about some of my job as the Mom...finding deals on things, and making our money streach.
Sometimes you just have to leave things up in the air...and you eventually realize whatever the outcome may be, that it was the best one for you.
Hi there, found your page through Janice (www.lightscameralifego.com) and thought I'd leave a note.
ReplyDeleteFor me, deciding to have more kids started with talking to my mom who was an only child. She found it very lonely and hard on both her and her mom. She and my dad had 3 (all girls) and she said the difference she saw us was so much different. We played with eachother, had active imaginations, and there was always something going on. There was less pressure on her to "entertain", and she loved watching us together. That helped me make the decision to have more.
Like a pp said, it gets easier as they grow. The needs of a one year old far outweigh the needs of a 4 year old, so you may change your mind down the road. But you do have some compelling reasons to just have the one.
In the end it is your decision alone to have more, and I'm sure either way your kid(s) will grow up healthy, happy and loved. And that's what is really important.
On a side note, your daughter seems to be about the same age as my younger - he just turned 1 at the end of July.
Good luck!
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted three kids (at ages 30, 32 and 34 - so far I'm on target). I have two brothers so that was the dynamic that I grew up with, and I loved it. We were a little posse of crazy shoeless towheaded banshees climbing around in trees. I want that (still working on finding the trees for this scenario).
ReplyDeleteOccasionally I look at Carter and wonder how I could possibly love another child as much as I love him, but I know that it's normal to feel that, and that, like you said, love is not finite.
I know that two or three kids most certainly equals chaos - it did for my family growing up - but I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. = )
Don't pressure yourself to make a decision - you have plenty of time! Either way, you'll both be fantastic parents, whether to one, two or many.
I so feel you on this Erica! Ava is almost 4 and I'm still on the fence. Mike says he's done. He doesn't want anymore. There's the one side of me that feels like, "Finally, Ava's at an age where we can have lots more fun as a family. She can talk and experience the vacations we take and is independent and so much easier." But then there's that other side of me, the side that catches a glimpse of her from the back, all legs and all girl and my heart aches for a squishy, little baby who lets me cuddle her and actually studies my face like it's the most interesting thing in the world. It's so hard to know and there are so many factors.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you...I haven't quite closed the door but feel more often than not, that I'm good. I'm happy, my marriage is good...why rock the boat? But then I'll hold someone else's squishy baby and think, "Well...maybe..."
P.S. I love that Tricia commented! Her daughter is Ava's BFF at school!
It's so hard to make that decision. We are waiting No. 2 and the husband is convinced that I will want another one after this even though we've had very serious conversations about two and done. There were days where I thought we would be fine just the three of us even. But I eventually came around to wanting just one more. I know this next little girl will make our family complete.
ReplyDeleteWell you know I don't have kids yet, but as an only myself, Keith and I will most likely have only 1 since we will also be older when that happens. Financially and emotionally, I don't know that I would want to split myself between 2 kids and that I couldn't give them as much as what I could give only one. That was my parents' thought process-they wanted to do everything they could to make my life as good as it could be. I don't think Squishy's life will be any less fulfilled without having siblings and she will definitely enjoy it more the older she gets. The 3 of you will get to enjoy each other fully. That's something I am really enjoying as an adult with my parents. It's something special being an only :)
ReplyDeleteI think you will hear good arguments from either side...and the truth is they are all just generalizations. I'm an only child, Garrett is an only child and the two of us loved it. You would think because of that we would want to have a ton of kids to make our family huge but we both loved the intimacy and attention that came from a family of 3. It is special, but you know, only if it is done right. Just like having a large family with tons of siblings is special, only when done right. I think your heart will make your decision for you more than your mind :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou know what, before reading this post, I was 100% against Gabrielle being an only child. I figured even if it took us 6 years before we can afford another baby, even if it would break us, damn it we were going to give her a sibling. I have a brother and I love him and I wouldn't want her to miss out on that and I wouldn't want her to be alone.
ReplyDeleteBut reading all your arguments, reading the Time article... it totally changed my mind! I'm starting to see now that having her fulfilled my desired to have a family, while still making it possible to have a career and afford living in Santa Barbara, private schools if need be, music lessons, sports, and especially travel. One more plane ticket is one thing, two more is very limiting. Suddenly, having one seems like a good balance. We have a family, without the stress (financial or otherwise) of supporting a larger family.
It's funny that the article said most parents have a second child, not because they want a second child but because they think they owe it to the first to give them a sibling. That's totally how I feel. I want to give Gabrielle the best, but if the choice comes between giving her a sibling or allowing her to be well-traveled, who's to say which is best? My decision is far from made, but thanks for opening my perspective!
I JUST wrote a post about this exact same thing but didn't post it. I think we're only having one as well...partly because we probably CANT have another one, but also because I love the freedom [and money!] only having one still affords you. Both of those would be loooooong gone if we had another!
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